| midterms =/ |
[21 Jan 2005|03:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bike Scene - Taking Back Sunday |
] |
omg midterms are like so next week =/
anyways marg. told me she'd teach me
all these hair tips and rebecca said
she'd teach me all these make-up tips
i'm pretty bad with that type of stuff..
plus i hate doing my hair in front of
my dad - he always told me not to impress
the guys - cause i get an arranged marriage,
maybe it's arranged to hardeep oh that would
be awesome but so not going to happen it's
prob. someone whos fucking genius and has
one of typical " indian " like a doctor..
uh that would be horrible he wouldnt understand
me at all anyways - i feel like i dunno
i have to put my hair in a ponyhair everyday
just so it seems like i don't impress guys..
but i don't want to i wanna do something with
it but i don't want to feel bad or embarrassed,
i also don't do things with my hair because
i feel like everyone is going to stare at me,
just like that day in 7th grade - ohh that was
so horrible..
" Stop it, come on
you know I can’t help it
I got the mic
and you got the mosh pit.. " - TBS
ohh Taking Back Sunday is so fucking awesome..
later.
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| not doing to well.. |
[18 Jan 2005|03:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Way I Am - Eminem |
] |
i'm such a failure at everything i do,
i can't bring myself to eat in front
of people, i can't bring myself to
accept who i am, i can't even bring
myself to stop thinking about cutting..
i want to change, i want to be happy.
i want to but i can't i know i said
it's just stupid OCDic thoughts but
those thoughts control me - i feel
like i have no control i have to follow
my stupid compulsive thoughts or it's
a whole fucking shitload of thoughts
that never stop, the price of fucking misery
just stupid thoughts and unanwsered questions..
" - should i hit snooze, a couple more times?
what happens if i don't? oh no something bad
is going to happen. what happens if it happens
to my family? do i even care about them? do i
really love them? " [ then i hit snooze 5 - 10x with
my left then, then the same amount with the right hands ]
then i anwser my questions.. " yeah i love them.. right
i mean i hit snooze 10x i love them of coarse i do i mean
if i didn't why would i hit it 10x times or am i just
trying to make myself better? i don't feel like i love
them.. "
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| gunna change.. |
[17 Jan 2005|03:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Down - Blink 182 |
] |
i'm going to change, i promise.
i know i've said this many times, yet i always come back..
and i know i'm not really big on my word but i'm going to
at least try to change..
i don't want my life to be like this - everytime i have a problem
i just think of cutting i don't want to run to cutting as
solution - i wanna be able to accept who i am, i wanna
see myself in the mirror without wanting to break it..
so i'm going to stop the fasting and cutting and start eatting
regularly and i know i'm still going to feel disguested when
i eat in front of people, and i know i'm still going to feel
the urge to cut and to do compulsive things, i know very
well this all will catch up to me one day..
i don't want to go to the doctors and get a prescription for
my OCD just because i feel compelled to do stupid things i mean
it's only physological - i wanna hit the alarm clock once
and not like 10x to feel right i don't need a fucking pill to do that
it's just stupid thoughts, that's all stupid thoughts ..
i'm going to try my hardest to change..
1/17/05 - the start of something new..
or at least for now [ just watch me come in 2 days ]
" Somtimes I think I'm crazy
I'm crazy, oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?...
- - -
I act like shit don't phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy
My insecurities could eat me alive.. "
wAnT2bE_tHiN69*
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|
[12 Jan 2005|04:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Razorblades - Story of the Year |
] |
midterms coming up =/
prob. won't update a lot for the next few weeks..
but i'll comment..
anyways i totally forgot about my appt. with the
physotrist tuesday, so i have to go to her again..
she wants to see my a " few " more times..i hate her.
i hate her very much.
anyways i got so bored i made a whole plan
of what sports i'm gonna do:
fall 05' - 06': volleyball
winter 05' - 06': i wanna do skiing lol
and then spring 06': lacrosse or crew club
anyways i thought i'd apologize to jess for being
such an ass last year, when all she tried to do is help me..
but it's really weird i am the only one who feels so bad
for her, not deirdre, not justine, not jessie, just me
why is that? weren't they all just as bitchy to her as i
was? or is it the fact that i knew she was the only one
i knew i count on her and tell her everything yet i still
continued to be an ass knowing i was her best friend?
or is it because i really know what she thinks of me now?
anyways OCD has become far worse than i thought,
i try so hard to control it but i can't stop
i still have to read a line in a book 5x to feel right
or i have these stupid complusive thoughts that like
occupy my mind 24/7..i wish i could stop myself it's
just that i can't i fear something bad will happen if
i do, i fear it will most prob. happen to my family
and i don't want them to go through pain, i love them
very much so i rather say something 30x or read a line
20x just to feel right rather them get hurt - does that make sense?
and my depression has deff. gotten worse, all i think
about now is cutting..
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| just woke up.. |
[09 Jan 2005|09:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Screenwriting An Apology - Hawthrone Heights |
] |
my dad is starting to teach me yoga - i dunno for some reason
i dunno if i should do it or not - i'll just give it a try
anyways midterms are coming up so i have some hardcore studing
to do, study more : eat less =]
so anyways i remember this physotrist told me to
try to accept myself because i am beautiful and thin
[ my ass ] then she told me that i should do stuff
with my hair, maybe put on some make-up, and walk
with my head up high... yeah so i thought i'd try
doing something with my hair because i'm getting
a new hairstraightner today, and for make-up
i dunno i just feel everyone would of me as..
a girl is so ugly with make-up on or off..
i just can't bring myself to accept who i am
anyways i've been doing real bad with my 200 calorie
diet plan, it always fails i always go like 10x more
and i don't even have time to work out and burn it off..
and i won't have time for the next 3 weeks just cause of midterms
plus i gotta eat, because my brother told me if you don't
right before big tests, you're gonna fuck up the test..
i so can not fail
science - i went to an A to C-
spanish - A to a B
english - B+ to an B -
math - stayed at an A
and TV - A to an B-
i'm slipping real bad..
i just fucked my chance at honors Bio =/
i'm such a failure.
|
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| help.. |
[07 Jan 2005|08:57pm] |
doing so bad.. please help.... please
i cant stand it anymore i just feel so fucked up
i went to the shrink cause my friend took me
yeah, she told me i was a little depressed but
i only told her half the story she asked if i was
sucidal and i said no..she doesn't believe me - great
then got into a fight with my dad ahh i hate him
i hate it i hate it all i'm crying right now
but i dunno even know why i just wanna cut
myself so bad right now or just kill myself
.....that's all thought about cutting
i just want to be normal i don't want to be depressed
i want to fucking run away i would have been happier alone
fuck everyone, fuck everything - ohh i'm so much better when
i am alone, alone from everything that matters
dad -
sorry i can't match up to expectations.
sorry i put you through so much hell.
sorry dad, i'm such a fucked up failure.
" Die young and
save yourself. "
|
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| quitting.. |
[02 Jan 2005|04:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
..Slowdance on the Inside - Taking Back Sunday |
] |
i think i'm going to quit LJ..
i'm gonna go to xanga..
xanga username: cRaSh_DiEt47
Lauren - thanks for all the support you're always there through my worst of times and always help me get through it // if you need anything IM and if i'm not on you can always email me at: l0vey0u27@netscape.net // thanks again :)
[ . jANSi . ]
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| way to depressed |
[01 Jan 2005|03:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ohio is for Lovers - Hawthrone Heights |
] |
felt like cutting today - couldn't find anything really sharp but i found a nailclipper so i took out the part i guess you're supposed to file your nails with and dragged it across my wrist it so didn't work so then i tried my stomach didn't work either.. =/
i don't want it to be like this everytime i get depressed i run straight to the blade
should i be thankful it wasn't sharp enough?
|
|
| ... |
[31 Dec 2004|02:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
=/ |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hold On - Good Charlotte |
] |
fucked up real bad today, real bad
i'll never be good enough..
|
|
| so went past 400 |
[30 Dec 2004|06:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Razorblades - Story of the Year |
] |
ok so i thought i could handle myself after the bowl of cereal
but i guess not - i so went past 400 cals. - prob. like 800 =/
i'm such a fat ass, i don't deserve anything.
|
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| bored |
[30 Dec 2004|10:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Buried A Lie - Senses Fail |
] |
so for:
i drank a little coffee [ ? cals. ]
+ and ate a bowl of cereal [ 195 - 260 cals. ]
i'm thinking to go on like a 200 calorie diet then i'll just burn
the calories off at night..
i think i'm going to quit track too and maybe just sign up for spring track..
went to a dinner last night with my dad - sucked so much
my friend's mom kept making me eat and so i only ate half
of what she gave me then after like an hour she gave me
some sweet - real fattening sweet and i was forced to eat
all =/ then before i left she told me that i didn't eat
a lot for dinner so when i get home to eat some more but
she said this right in front of my dad - it's not like i
was hungry damnit why did she have to say it
my dad is so going to notice me not eatting as much =/ i'm
sorry i'm not like her fat-ass daughter who loves to eat
i dunno what to do anymore it's all getting worse
i want to be thin, i want to be pretty, i want to
be good enough..but i am a fat-ass bitch weighing
126.5 [ more than my brother whos 2 years old than
me ] i am the ugliest girl, i am not worth the
second glance, i am not worth talking to because
i am prob. the most annoying girl, i'm so dumb -
so fucking stupid, i can't fight against my OCD
because i know something bad will happen i know
very well i can't stick to a diet nor can't i
stick to a fast - why can't i be good enough,
why can't i accept myself? why can't i be happy?
why do i get myself into stupid fucking things
that i know very well i won't be able to get
myself out of? it's always these thoughts, why can't
i be like her, why can't i be thin, why can't i
control myself, why can't i think normally,
why must i have OCD i hate it it's always
a constant battle - should i feel bad?
was it my fault? if i don't this something
bad will happen to my family? do i even care
about my family or is fake love? does my family
love me? am i annoying? do my friends think that?
|
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| new lj // green tea |
[29 Dec 2004|03:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Go On - Taking Back Sunday |
] |
changed my lj u/n..
stats;
age: 14
weight: 126.5
- highest: 126.5
- lowest: 103
bmi: 21.1
goal weight 1: 120
gw2: 115
gw3: 110
ugw: 100 - 110
tried so hard to fast today but
it broke after 12 hours =/
i'm such a failure.
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